...A monthly newsletter designed to help make your marriage great. Each issue contains articles, tips and more.

     There are various opinions regarding honesty.  Some believe that it’s better to not burden your spouse with information he or she does not have a need to know.  If you’ve made a major or minor mistake and vow to never do it again, the thinking goes, then you don’t need to bring it up because it will only cause conflict and heartache.

    Well, if you want a close relationship, you’ll need to be honest with your partner.  Great marriages are built upon trust.   In the case of a major or minor offense, it’s better to admit the issue and work on healing.  This is why:  secrets can burden the soul or occupy a hidden part of the heart and mind.  Most of the time, a partner can recover from the offense committed, but it’s dishonesty that extracts the lifeblood out of your marriage.  More marriages are ruined by dishonesty than honesty.

   Another benefit of being honest is that your partner will be better able to know and understand your needs and desires.  If you don’t communicate honestly, there’s a lot of guessing and assuming going on.  Reveal what you know about yourself as best as you know how: your thoughts, your feelings, and your likes and dislikes.  When you share what you’re feeling, your partner has the opportunity to respond and relate to you in helpful, meaningful ways.

      Vowing to be honest saves you the trouble of keeping track of lies.  If you do find yourself in a situation where you need to come clean, do so courageously.      What you want to do is start over with a clean slate and then try to keep that slate clean.  Honesty will set you free.

Lynn M. Griesemer is a Marriage Coach and has been happily married for over 25 years. She helps struggling marriages improve and good marriages become great. www.marriagecoachlynn.com.

     I’d like to think that integrity and honesty are high on the list of character traits when people marry.  If you find that lying has entered your marriage, consider the possible reasons why people lie: (1) to intentionally deceive another due to wrong / immoral choices.  The perpetrator is sure that his or her actions are wrong and will protect self or lie if confronted. (2) intention to not hurt another.  The liar thinks he or she is protecting another person.  (3)  embarrassment. (4) too emotionally painful to tell the truth – fear of repercussion.  (5) in too deep – cover-up another lie.

     There are many things that can be worked on to improve honesty in marriage.  I want to focus on acceptance for now.  If a partner feels accepted, he or she will feel safe.  A climate of safety allows for vulnerability and openness.  One way to accept your partner is to verbally tell him or her that he or she is accepted, especially when mistakes are made.  It takes tremendous courage to admit faults and wrong-doing, so if your spouse apologizes or admits something to you, accept the apology, discuss the issue and work toward a situation where lying ceases to be an option.

“In an honest relationship, thoughtless acts are revealed, forgiven, and corrected…If certain attitudes and behaviors remain hidden, they are left to grow out of control…Lay all cards out on the table: be honest about your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future.” – Dr. Willard Harley